The Chemistry of Us: Gas, Solid, and the Dance of Space

Some people are like gas—naturally expansive, curious, expressive. They move into whatever space is available, not out of selfishness, but because that’s simply their nature. Others are more like solids—contained, structured, rooted, finding it harder to expand into space.

At first, these two personality types are drawn to each other. The solid is captivated by the gas’s energy, their ability to fill a room, to bring warmth and life to spaces that might otherwise feel empty. The gas is drawn to the solid’s groundedness, their quiet depth, their steady presence, and their ability to create structure. It’s chemistry.

But over time, what felt complementary can start to feel imbalanced. The gas keeps expanding, not because they are trying to take over, but because that’s simply their nature. The solid, instead of pushing back, contracts even more—retreating into themselves, letting the gas take up more and more space.

And then resentment creeps in.

The gas starts to feel burdened and unappreciated for carrying so much of the relationship’s energy, always anticipating and filling in gaps. They feel alone in the effort.

The solid starts to feel powerless—overshadowed, controlled, like there’s no room for them to exist in their own way.

Each blames the other:
"You take up too much space."
"You never step up."

Neither Is to Blame—It’s a Dynamic

This is a natural supply-and-demand system in relationships.

The gas (over-functioner) expands, anticipates, organizes, and fills in gaps—not because they’re controlling, but because they fear what might happen if they don’t. They move things forward. They solve problems before they become problems. And yet, over time, they start to feel exhausted, unappreciated, and resentful for carrying so much.

The solid (under-functioner) holds back, waits, follows, reacts instead of initiating. Not because they’re lazy or incapable, but because they’ve learned—often unconsciously—that someone else will step in. At first, this brings relief. But over time, resentment builds. They feel powerless, like there’s no space for them, like they are being managed rather than included.

And here’s the hard part: each of them is a little right about what frustrates them.

The gas does take up a lot of space. Not because they’re selfish, but because expansion is their instinct. They don’t trust that if they step back, things will get done.
The solid does avoid stepping up. Not because they’re incapable, but because it’s more comfortable than competing for space. They are afraid—of failure, of criticism, of doing it wrong.

How to Break the Cycle

By stepping into discomfort.

If you’re the gas, challenge yourself to ease back, allow space, and surrender. Even if that means silence. Even if things move more slowly than you’d like. Even if your partner struggles a little.

If you’re the solid, challenge yourself to expand. To take up more space, to anticipate instead of react, to claim a place in the relationship’s energy. Even if you worry you’ll do it wrong. Even if it feels unnatural at first.

And importantly, when the solid steps up, the gas must resist the urge to critique how they do it. Because nothing shuts down growth faster than stepping forward and being told, That’s not how you do it.

This dynamic isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. It’s about recognizing the push-pull, the unspoken agreements that have kept both people stuck in roles that no longer serve them. And it’s about making a conscious choice to shift—not by demanding the other person change, but by being willing to step into the discomfort of changing yourself.

That’s where real movement happens. That’s when the dance between gas and solid becomes something fluid, dynamic, and alive.

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

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